Monday, February 13, 2012

Minus 20

So, since November 30th, I have lost 20 lbs. I sit here nodding at the computer. Yup, I've lost the weight. I can't decide if it feels like a victory though.

See, 20 lbs puts me at a weight of 200 lbs. So on one hand I am a lot lighter than I was. But on the other hand I am a lot heavier than I should be.

I am gaining self-confidence. I am starting to feel more comfortable in my own body. I notice guys looking at me, in a way that I haven't been looked at (aside from by Gilles) in a long time. I am starting to lean away from the baggy clothes that hide everything, and more towards form-fitting clothes that allow me to look like a woman. Maybe that is my victory.

I remember when I first hit 200 lbs. It was 2009. I was just starting my first office job, and didn't care much what I ate. While I didn't eat fast food "regularly", I probably ate a 'combo' every two weeks or so. I started counting calories for the first time, and while I didn't do very well at it at first, I eventually got down to 180 lbs. Since then, I have slowly gained back weight... back to what I was at, and more. This time the main culprit wasn't fast food - it was portion sizing. So... I have been counting calories again, and through January and February I have been following a pre-determined low-cal meal plan - taking advantage of Gilles being gone to school.

Now, as I mentioned before, I have reached the 20 lbs lost mark. And because I have been here before, at 20 lbs lost, and not kept it off at all, (and especially considering that this 20 lbs lost is the weight that I first started dieting for my other 20 lbs lost), I just can't seem to get my head in the right place. That I am getting there.

All I can focus on is that I want to be smaller. My ultimate goal. It isn't about the small goals any more. It's about the big one. The 85 lbs one. Maybe that is good.

But Gilles will be back to living with me in a couple of weeks. I will continue the meal plan until March - but after that, I promised him that I will go back to regular calorie counting, so that there is a little bit more flexibility. He doesn't like that I'm not able to eat in restaurants at all.

Not having someone else telling me what to eat and when scares me. Can I do it? Will I be able to keep losing weight, or will I start making 'exceptions', eventually resulting in my gaining all the weight back?

I had a nightmare last night about eating in a restaurant - not even a fast food restaurant. A nice, sit-in, have a waiter come to your table-type restaurant.

I know that controlling my own food intake is a step that I will have to take eventually... but the beginning of March seems so soon all of a sudden.



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