Friday, August 12, 2011

Rationality

I sometimes wonder what the difference between an over-active imagination and insanity is. After all, one could certainly lead to the other.

Gilles is in Kananaskis for a week. He is hiking, roller blading, white water canoeing, and kayaking with his dad and two uncles.

Before they left, Gilles' dad gave this big speal on how they might not make it back, how if the canoe tips over and they get caught in the current, it's over. There's nothing any of them can do. This is the exact opposite of what I needed right before they left - I was already having a hard time with Gilles going to the mountains for a week, knowing the dangers.

I suppose it wouldn't be as bad if Gilles would be able to send a quick text in the evening, letting me know that all is well. But he can't - or won't. He told me before he left that I wouldn't hear from him again until he returned on Sunday. I'm glad that it hasn't been that bad - he has texted me a couple times. When he does text, I do feel somewhat better, knowing that they are okay so far.

They say that people know when someone they love is in trouble, or is dying. That it is instinctual. Well my 'trouble radar' has been going off almost constantly since Gilles left, allowing me to think of little else. I've been trying to control my thoughts and keep this 'alarm system' tamed, but it seems to pervade my very being. I just keep picturing their canoe tipping over, and Gilles either hitting his head on a rock and falling unconscious, or getting trapped in the current. I am scared that every time I hear from him will be the last.

I know that I'm being melodramatic. I'm aware that I'm overreacting, and that there is nothing I can do now to prevent it. I can't seem to help it. It's like a roller coaster ride that I just can't seem to get off of.

I am trying to console myself in saying that the guys have done most everything now, and are getting used to the area and how to react when something doesn't go right. I am trying to tell myself that they will be tired of being on the water, and stick to biking and hiking.

I know that it is wishful thinking. I know these guys. I know that they will push for bigger and better things, that as the week goes on and they gain confidence, they will push themselves harder and harder, and into more and more dangerous territory. I also know that none of them are in good enough shape that they can do this for an entire week without being completely exhausted by this point, and thus their reaction time is slowed, and they are already tapping into their adrenaline to perform their feats - that if something happens there will be no extra store of energy to tap into.

I also know in my heart that Gilles will make it home. He has to. I know that he will be an aching, groaning, shell of a man when he gets home. He won't be willing to talk, he won't be willing to even discuss their week. That is, if he gets home at a decent hour and not 3-4AM. I am aware that this will result in a fight, as he and I will both be overtired, him from his trip, and myself from my lack of sleep over worry. I know that if he doesn't get home early enough to talk on Sunday, that I will nag him to talk on Monday. I know this, because I have a list of things that we need to talk about, and a list of things that need to get done before he leaves again, on Thursday. Even though I know that it will end up in a fight, my trying to talk to him about everything that came up while he was gone (even if I avoid the subject of the trip altogether), and the last thing that I want is for us to fight when we hardly spend enough time together lately as it is, I also know that it is necessary. I know that there is nothing worse than if we don't talk at all.

As I mentioned earlier, Gilles did text a couple of times which I greatly appreciated. He texted last night, and left me with a couple pictures from a kayaking trip they did yesterday afternoon. He says it is beautiful. I am inclined to agree, and wish that I could be with them for those portions of the trip. The safe portions. Here are the pictures that he sent:


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