Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Farewell, Dear Brain Cells

I heard once that your hair is made up of dead cells. My hair grows ridiculously fast (take into account that I again have almost an inch of roots showing and I just got my hair dyed exactly 1 month ago). Does this mean that my brain is dying at a ridiculously fast rate? Does this mean that it is regenerating new brainy goodness, or is it just lost forever into the abyss?

Sometimes I feel like my brain is slowly crumbling away. Everytime I have a hard day at work, I come home and it takes me just a few seconds longer to form sentences. When I do form those sentences, the words often come out all jumbled. (What do you mean, the open was freezer?) Stuff like that.

It isn’t as though I am incompetent. Sometimes I feel like I am though, especially at work. I am constantly trying to portray myself in the best light. I feel bad if my answer has to be “I don’t know, I’ll find out”. I mean, I should be able to remember simple things like, which ad corresponds to which magazine without looking it up, right? But I forget.

I am constantly shoving stuff in my brain. Every day I spend somewhere between 8-9.5 hours at work. Shove, shove, shove. Then, I’ll either go to night class and shove 3 hours more stuff into my brain, or relax and completely turn my brain off.

So with all this stuff shoved into my brain, shouldn’t some of it come out as being… um… coherent?
Here’s the thing. If I try to think things out first, I look like I’m mentally slow. People look at me like, aren’t you going to answer? But then when I finally do answer I can give a proper answer.

But in lieu of looking slow at work, I often try to answer while I’m thinking about it. This results in the dreaded stutter. That’s all there is to it. If I try to explain or answer something at work that I haven’t had time to think about ahead of time, I stutter.

Not like the “T-t-t-today junior!” stutter that has become so popular, but… more of a stumble I suppose. I’ll be talking and then all of a sudden my tongue will be this big thick thing, that is not moving the way it should. The word will be lost, and I’m stuck looking like I have no brain cells left, trying to say whatever word it is. I don’t understand this.

When I’m relaxing with my friends, I very rarely get like this.

When I am singing, I don’t get like this.

When I make a speech, I don’t get like this.

When I am performing, I don’t get like this.

Why do I get like this, when I am around superiors?

Last night marked the end of my Summer 2010 night class. I still have my online class, but with free Monday and Wednesday evenings, comes more free time, and possibly even more sleep. Could this be the answer?
After my final last night it felt like my brain had completely shut down. I couldn’t form a coherant thought let alone a coherant sentence. I must have burnt off at least a thousand brain cells as I wrote my 20ish pages to complete the exam. Farewell, dear brain cells.

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